Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
and you said cock pushups were impossible
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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