hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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