That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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