Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just googled if crying burns calories
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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