girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
