New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
