I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
