wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
