Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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