Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
