I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
