I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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