1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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