cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
