my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I think people are normalizing furries
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
