My sheets look like a crime scene.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
