I only kidnapped one of them. chill
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
