i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
