this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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