you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
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We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
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Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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