I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
