If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
