cat food counts as protein by the way
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
