In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
