Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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