so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
