I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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