I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My penis needs a shock collar
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
