Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
