i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
