i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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