I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
