The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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