I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
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My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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