I think my vagina is haunted
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
