i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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