Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
