We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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