the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
