You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
