So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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