I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
