Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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