Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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