theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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