I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
