I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
