I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
