why didn't you poke me back
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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