im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
