sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
