I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
