I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
