You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
