why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
