Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
