don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
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