but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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